The Rains Came

Pouring in unscripted and unpublished...

The rains came,
fast and furious,
hitting hard on my soul.
Flattened by events,
unawares, unexpected, unprepared...

The drops drilled down
boring stony and drunken,
clobbering surface of my psyche.
Flatlanded unwitting from behind,
awakening, changing, deepening...

Cloudburst flooded across,
washing rapid and hypersonic,
forging a drain to my essence.
In no time flat infilled a reservoir,
postponed, stockpiled, forthcoming...

Ennui and Me

It ain't heavy it's a bother...

Wherein I muse about life in hope it helps others who relate similarly.

The best that can be said about the past few weeks is that they happened. Without periods of disruption in life we are never challenged to overcome them nor are we able to appreciate the better times in life. For those of us who are creative types mood swings of some form or another are a way of life, periods of bursts of creativity followed by moments of doubt we will never have a new idea again. Everyone suffers bumps along the arteries of life and for some it is far worse due to physical health or geographic and economic circumstances. For me it is recalling what I have been trained and learned about not being able to control circumstances but being able to control my attitudes and behavior regarding them

Fundamentally two simultaneous happenstances have bounced my normal disposition out of whack that I have had to get a grip on my attitude and work to turn things back to normal. Two weeks ago my sister was in a small city hospital she has been in more than out of in the past year with a seemingly losing battle against an unforgiving autoimmune disease. Fortunately she was brought under emergency circumstances to the major city where I live and put in hospital here for care and the turnaround in her health has been remarkable. She will never recover from Scleroderma but the key factor is her quality of life has been returned to her and has turned her around from being in chronic critical condition and restored to a somewhat functional pleasant life. Quality of life for the chronically ill is directly related to mental well being and length of life. She has been able to return home hooked to a lot fewer medical devices and less reliant on external equipment support with an improved outlook both medically and psychologically.

Coupled with her adventure is that for me during the past three weeks as a result of high winds, dust and wildfire smoke the pollution has caused a constant low grade migraine headache that even during normal conditions skews my entire disposition. What I dislike most of these episodes when they occur every few years are what everyone who also endures them is the cure is almost as bad as the ailment. There is not a person I know or am aware of that has problems with pollution, whether it is respiratory (the most common) or bad air induced episodic headaches is making the choice to function as best as possible with low volume medication or taking prescription drugs with side effects. Generally I function as best I can and reserve the medication until I can no longer stand it and then expect to become even more moody, hyper-sensitive and a sense of insecurity.

The psychology of this is irritating at best since logically I know that "this too shall pass" and that it requires mustering up the forces to implement the behavioral change techniques that I know will turn my emotions around. Still it is hard to get motivated to write and create visual art when feeling less than inspired but I also know that it will keep the worst possible condition, depression at bay. Therefore I've been creating and interacting with other people as best I could with in my mind mediocre results but it has resulted in my staying functional. The point is that it takes work to chug along and keep the train moving but now it is paying off, I am beginning to see the light again even if it is a pinhole at the end of a tunnel.

The Presentation Of Self

In everyday life...

Self-Portrait of the artist by representation in photographs.

The self-portrait is a highly self conscious act by a creative person and may by some considered an act of conceit. Perhaps that might be but consider the artist may have no other subject, is actually more self-conscious depicting others or simply is trying to express who and how they see themselves. It is an attempt to represent the image they wish to project or see themselves reflected in. In some sense it is an act of courage to turn the self inside out for the world to view. It could be an accurate depiction of themselves or a presentment of whom and what they see themselves as.

In this set of photographs my goal was to record myself as I approach my sixties for several reasons. Primarily though for visual documentation as I see myself now to be able to look back on in future years. I have been chronicling myself this way since my twenties, although not in any specific regularity, finding that when I look at past photographs my perception of self as not been much different as documented. There are three photographs, one is an outline of an image I have of myself and another is a standard photograph while the other an everyday act recorded in a unique way.

Know Yourself and Be Yourself

We each have an expedition, yours belongs to you...

It is an act of courage that enriches your experience.

The goal is to keep going and not stop. One step a day is progress while taking none is going nowhere. Sometimes that one step is a motivating pause of reflection and in that moment we then still move upward and forward. There are other days when almost maniacally we take many steps and we breakthrough barriers in leaps and bounds. Other times the grade of the climb is so steep that every stride seems purchased at a painful price. Each type of ascent has its own merit.

It is also perfectly acceptable, actually advisable, to occasionally look back and see how far you have come. The act serves as encouragement to keep climbing. The passage in this life is not to reach the end destination but to prepare for it and make the most of the exploration. Ultimately you will get there but on the way positive steps in the right direction will make the expedition enriching and worthwhile. On rough terrain when the hike is steep and the slope slippery looking up to where you are going is more helpful than looking down. The time will come when you have gone over the jagged rock and up ahead are able look back and revel in the accomplishment.

Regardless of where you are in life you can always look around and find someone better off, someone in about the same condition and someone worse off than you are. All three should be humbling experiences to motivate you to keep going rather than to rate yourself against them and allow you to halt. Others have their own journey, the one you have belongs to you and are responsible for each rung you make on the way up. It never hurts to reach down and give a hand to help someone else over the jagged rock, it is advisable since you will need the aid some day.

Positive thinking, optimism, self-reliance and mutual help are the mental tools that will keep you going and avoid stopping. As we move along our pilgrimage we collect and gather the means to take the next step. Know yourself and be yourself, it is an act of courage that enriches your experience, as well as giving you the wisdom to help others. All roads indeed do lead to a common destination but the mission on the journey upward is to make it worthwhile.