The Sky Darkened

It was a dark and stormy night...

Then I awoke.

Recently I've been having one of those momentary periods that many of us get. My personal name for this flat aura is "My Anxiety" and occurs occasionally, for reasons not always clear at first although I know what seemingly minor events pull the triggers. The cycles begin with feeling anxious hosted by multiple demons which are uncertainty over the future, my perceptions of the world and a doubt about my creative ability. Like Jesus casting out the demons in the possessed man I start the process of doing that within myself. When these moods occur it is critical to remember that just as they arrive unannounced and unwanted they'll go away in pretty much the same manner. They cannot be left to work themselves out on their own though for that may call up Churchill's Black Dog and instead requires determination to be rid of the hangdog.

It is work that has to be done if I'm to get beyond it. The moods range from feeling deflated, being tired accompanied by overall body ache, spells of black and blue mood that are occasionally illuminated from the firmament through windows of rational thinking. It is the skylight of the rational thinking I have learned to seize and sort out reality that almost always follows the same pattern. There is nothing wrong with my life, actually I'm quite fortunate that I've been able to structure my life to be relatively stress free, comfortable and content, secure in my possessions, my abilities and my relationships. The conclusion is always the same, some chemical reaction has occurred in my system that needs to be worked out. Over the years I've learned what tools I need to get from the workroom and implement them.

During these periods it would be easier if I could just pick them up, deploy them and the interlude is then quickly over. Not so fast, time is one of the elements in recovery and it ticks on its own clock while recalling that motivation has also been dealt a surly blow. It would be nice if there was a one-size formula already worked out in some self help plan but in actuality what works for one person doesn't work for another. When people ask I let them know what works for me with the caveat that the solutions are arrived by individual sojourn until the Blue Box works for them and breaks their code. It is never arrived at completely and cannot be given up, if one thing does not work it is critical to continue and try another.

Nevertheless the knowledge itself is enough and once learned the process is shortened, the interlude limited and the darkness more a muted light gray than what at one time in my life was black. This recent installment explains my recent interest in taking photographs in black and white in the urban landscape and writing less. As these things go I knew it would pass and just as quickly as it descended and was recognized it has also lifted and passed. Not without some work and effort coupled with unwanted angst and confusion and cleansing out of the archfiends this storm has passed over.

My term "My Anxiety" came from my friend Maryann, who I've been thinking and wondering about.


  1. I'm sorry JR, I just now have had the chance to read what you have written. Intelligent and insightful as always. ;)

    Sounds like you know what to do when these chemical changes come about.
    "My Anxiety" lol
    it sounds funny to me today for some reason? Like it's mine, you can't have it...

    These past months, I've been caring for sick family members. I'm feeling totally drained (mentally and physically)
    There is no light at the end of this tunnel yet either.

    My brother is the biggest concern, he's battling cancer. They've just called in hospice.
    He's my last direct family member, I feel so sad...

    It's always nice to know that someone thinks of you. I think about you too. Can't wait for a little sunshine, how bout you send some my way? ;)

  2. Maryann I know how it is caring for sick family members, very rough...had a rough summer this year with my sister the entire time. Very touch and go and she always comes back out a little worse each time, Scleroderma is like that. Hope your brother gets in a good place both mentally and physically. It's all so sad and we're "at that age."

    It's My Anxiety and you can have yours! lolol

    I do think of you and miss "back in the day." Hope the weather is not getting you down. We have plenty of sunshine and I'll try to push some your way. Take care. ;~}