Writing: Fact and Fiction

My anxiety...

An exercise in writing on a topic I rarely publicly discuss.

Like a low vague sound of some humming electrical device the feeling is omnipresent and hangs in my soul somewhere, haunting me without explanation. I'm not exactly sure when I really became aware there was a name for it except it was sometime in the late eighties. It's an unexplained disquiet which for me usually leads to a low level melancholy or depression if I don't resolve it. It occurs to a lot more people than is recognized since those of us who live with it don't like to talk about it. Men suffer from it as much as women but we're generally not very good at identifying intrinsic emotions and expressing them well. Many of us act out inexplicably due to it.

There are two themes underlying my faint angst. The first theme is some unfinished business or I did something I wish I hadn't that is bothering me and it has not been addressed. Very often I really don't know what it is or conversely, I do, but would rather push it down with some cement of the mind to keep it from surfacing. If I do nothing and don't dig within to figure out what is bugging me it turns to melancholy. The other theme is my anxiety is right out there, live wire on the surface, edging to be dealt with immediately. That can be the most dangerous since if I'm around people I'm likely to do and say things that result in something worse. Remorse. That is the tipping point depression sets in.

When I refer to melancholy or depression it is not of the clinical variety but rather a natural emotion that most people feel sometimes, some experience it more often than others. It is a flat or dead feeling and I am sluggish. The best solution is to sleep it off. I have experienced deep, dark, black depression a few times in my life but it was due to a specific tragic event, a normal and typical reaction. Death of a loved one, job loss and broken relationship come to mind. Thankfully I had a support system during those times who listened to me, although in each case the only real answer was time.

Over the years I have tried a lot of routes and taken advice on how to deal with my anxiety. Some of the roads and answers were good and others were very bad for me. With no humility I think I can truthfully say I've learned that I'm smarter than any psychologist or therapist I've ever seen professionally or known personally with the exception of one friend. She is atypical for her field and believes most therapists dish out pablum and balderdash. Her advice, like so many of my head-on-shoulders friends, has helped me make sense of how to deal with anxiety more than any psychologist ever has. The same can be said for doctors who want to feed you pills, there is a price for taking them and it's high and not worth the expense of the aftermath.

What does work is knowing yourself well enough to recognize what is happening when it happens. The discovery of how to cope with it and solve the puzzle before it escalates can be a painful process but well worth it. I know that for fact because I have done it and can follow my own advice of what works for me, however, actually implementing the solution is sometimes another matter. The same strong character traits that usually work for me can also work against me. Persistence becomes stubborn. I know in my intellect that what I should do is think, search and find what is nagging my soul and deal with it. Herein lies the rub, sometimes I am just stubborn and don't want to take the time to deal with it, even knowing full well what will be next.

Fortunately most of the time, especially these past few years, I deal with my anxiety effectively. Writing is integral to my methods of both clarifying and purging my vital essence. Once I mull over and reason out the core of the matter, I am then able to implement very old fashioned solutions to the problem.

Think positively.
Take action to fix what is broken.
Accept it as a learning experience and personal growth.
Things usually work themselves out the way they're supposed to.

You're granddad's or father's advice maybe? Probably. Modern psychology and psychiatry is great for other people if it works for them. All I know is if I take the bull by the horns and wrestle the beast to ground, I won't get gored.

[inspired by Maryann, who is braver and more courageous than she thinks]

Arizona Landscape

Muted sun waiting for haiku poet...

A Head of My Time

On earning your keep...

The battle lines are being drawn between the entitlement mentality crowd and the legion fed up with them.

When I was young my mother would say in her inimitable British way, that I certainly had endurance and stamina. Depending on the situation, if she was referring out of pride or dismay, she would add that "I had a good English backbone" or "you certainly have your father's American grit." My father's response was always a sanguine "I wonder where he got that from..."

My parents where a unique combination. My mother grew up on the coast of southeastern England during the Second World War with bombs literally dropping around her. My father was a Western American who grew up in a dried up Arizona hard hit by the Great Depression and inherited real true grit. They were rich only in that they were fortunate to come from educated middle class families, who managed to persevere by their ability to work through difficult times, with ingenuity and making the best of bad situations. Humility and humor were both necessary attributes. In that sense, although their childhoods and adolescence occurred during an arduous time period, they did not want for anything they needed. They also grew up knowing that they got a break, since they witnessed firsthand the devastation and destitution of others and were not shielded from it. That does not mean they had excess of anything, only they were not wounded or hungry, everyone was affected by the Great Depression and WWII in some way.

I tend to think that a lot of the skills required to overcome adversity and rise above, persevere through tough times, anxiety and depression, physical pain, deprivation and isolation is largely inherited through some genetic coding as well as parenting, along with acquiring coping skills through hard lessons in life. Almost everyone I know who has the character to endure burdens that others can't, have one or all those factors, regardless if they grew up rich, poor or somewhere in between. All races, both genders, either sexuality.

Large segments of the US population lack staying power and are looking for the easy way out.

When my family moved to this country when I was 14, although we were not without some means we were starting out all over again. We left where we were with the minimum of goods, the money we were allowed to take out of there, sorry to go but knowing it had become a hostile place with a limited future and happy to come to the US. I had always wanted to move to this country and for me the goal was to make the best out of my life in the way of education, achieving by work and effort. My hopes were for a happy, comfortable life with the ability to obtain things I wanted. That didn't necessarily include having a big house, a luxury car or expensive fashionable clothes, although I did like and want nice things. It also didn't matter to me if that was the goal of others, as long as it didn't trample on me or anyone else in our goals.

That is where in the late eighties and early nineties my values and goals started to really clash with many natural born Americans.  It was not only that they seemed to want more and more big and flashier things. It was that I was seeing how a mentality of entitlement was insidiously creeping into the culture of a large segment of the population. Additionally they didn't care how they got it or what harm they may be causing to everything from values to economics, to society or to the environment. It was their right to have more stuff and bigger things without any regard to how they got it or if they had worked for it. It came to be a dominant theme in the social conduct of America, turning having more than you earn a virtue instead of a vice.

On account of where I live, the work I do and the sheer numbers of people I am exposed to, I am well aware of a lot of people whose lives were built on this type of entitlement consumerism and are crashing and burning. I take no pleasure in it but I have no empathy for the whining and crying of the disappointment these people feel. As far as I'm concerned their anger is misplaced about losing their "right" to conspicuous consumption and misdirected in the wrong trajectory. They should be redirecting it to themselves and placing the blame on their own shoulders. I see trouble ahead for society from these people.

We are already getting the signals from unhappy adults with childlike cries for their rattles back. They're expecting the government and other citizens to bail them out to continue their "right" to a lifestyle they didn't truly earn and those that whine "you promised us." Wisconsin is just a small sampler of the backfire from that camp that is on its way to pitching tents of fits all over the country. On the other side there are those fed up with subsidizing the life of others, especially since most of them have weathered this economic storm without much assistance from the government, unions or social services agencies. My bet is on them, they're even angrier and are beginning to marshal their troops to repudiate both the entrenched political class and arming to counter-demonstrate against the entitlement hordes. It's a matter of time.

This is where I also see the worth in the values I inherited, the parenting I received and learning from the mistakes I made with money, relationships and employment. There is a price when you take the effortless way out by accepting easy money, ditching relationships at the drop of a hat without resolving personal problems, for taking easy jobs that pay too well for really doing very little. There are no rights except those outlined in the US Constitution and I find nothing in that document that addresses the desire to have goodies is a right or to live off public money. There is no "we promised you" clause or mention of an implied contract that you would get what you want.

There is a storm gathering that is going to blow out and wash down everything and everyone that does not have the wherewithal to hold on tightly. Endurance and stamina will be required as well as the knowledge of what you really need and that you don't always get what you want.

Arizona Landscape

Hello Central? CenturyLink to Qwest...

Music Break: Jimmie Rodgers

Woman From Liberia...

Live TV 1965 Shindig

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJJ-mNSRfww&feature=related

Thinking Out Loud

There is no going back in time...

Life is not going back in America to the way it was pre-2007 no matter how much the Federal Government, The Federal Reserve and US Treasury, Congress and their lackeys on Wall Street and friends along the Boston to DC corridor pretend nothing has changed. The financial world has it backwards, their ego is not allowing them to recognize a very clear simple fact, that can easily be figured out by watching the Stock Market and their flunkies at the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times and on CNBC. The Federal Government, the Fed, Treasury and FDIC are propping them up and Wall Street financiers and bankers are castrated servants.

The actual working real private sector and American people know this. It is only a matter of time before the facade crumbles and the Northeastern so-called elites Masquerade Ball will be over. The show will go on for the rest of the country but without them. How and when this will happen is not yet determined but that it will, much sooner than many realize, is just as certain as a Ponzi scheme eventually reveals itself. Politically and socially two seemingly opposing sides are signalling the same message. Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich may differ politically on fundamental responses but both agree on the inappropriate actions of the Federal Reserve and the banking system. The Tea Party coalition and unionists heartily disagree over basic policies, but are in the same league in believing that the current two political parties are engaging in business as usual, being unresponsive to constituent demands.

What will spur the fall? Anything can happen but three things stand out as the source of a breakdown of the system as we know it. Money cannot continue to be printed without having any intrinsic value and the debt crisis of governments all around the world will eventually reach a stalemate exacerbating a currency crisis. The chain of supply for essential parts and goods has been disrupted by the tragedy in Japan and will worsen with the war on Libya. Also, the war on Libya is only the outward manifestation of festering full blown disputes and conflicts in the entire Middle East, that will not be resolved diplomatically or easily and not without further battles.

Arizona Landscape

Rearview Mirror...

Arizona Landscape

Tin cat on a hot wall...

RIP Dame Elizabeth Roseland Taylor 1932 - 2011 

Geography of the Mind

Seedlings of thought...

In nonconcrete life, one attribute of lasting value we have to offer others is planting seedlings of thought that grow to become thriving shoots. Usually we are unaware that we are doing so. When seedlings mature to cross-pollinate more thought, they become  implanted in ways we didn't conceive of in our first abstraction. Whether planted in neatly irrigated rows or willy nilly in the wild, ideas start as ephemeral wisps that advance into concepts to become full blown ideas. Although some ideas do wither and die while others fertilize and grow, the real importance is thinking, journeying through the mind to uncover what has potential for harvesting.

Thoughts and ideas are to be shared, in the raw and fully formed. A good conversation is an exchange that generates growth in us and others. The medium doesn't necessarily matter. Whether it is face-to-face, verbal or in writing, occurs over a long period of time or in a matter of minutes, is usually irrelevant. It might arise in something seemingly obscure as a random exchange or an email on another subject but during that discourse one little line, perhaps only an aside to the originator, may create a small kernel that grows into a full grown vision for the recipient. It's significance is in reciprocation, since what others offer us, tills a rotation of crops of intellect.

Our only true legacy is how we influence others and how we use that capability and in turn how we are influenced by the ideas of others. Most often we're unaware of the sway we have with individuals or groups, we tend to minimize it, since we're looking from the inside out. Our connections do not have to be far and wide, well known or important people. Rather the opposite is true, it's the soil that keeps everyday life and people going. If it were not for exchanges I have with others, who spark ideas in me, life would lack the creativity that keeps it from being boring. They become roads in my head that draw maps to traverse terrain I might not have. They nourish me more than material gifts and my hopeful ambition is to return them.

Arizona Landscape

Foam river within a puddle...